I feel crumbled and crushed when my own family dont trust me in what i want to do. Cross out that want, it is actually love. I know what I love to do, I know what my interests are, I know what makes my hands shake when I feel excited, I know what makes my heart skip a beat when i feel happy. I don't expect you to support in everything that i love to do, im used to it. Im used to not being supported.
Have you ever stared at your surroundings and have a glance at people around you and suddenly look again to have a closer look? The X factor that they have attracts your eye and you feel like checking them out again. Makes you feel curious of how they look like or what they do or how they are. When you don't even know who they are?
Most people get that, most people would be those people who'd be looked at.
But i know, I'll never be that person people would look at for the 2nd time.
I know I am strong enough to handle that fact, not only the fact that i will never be that person but also the fact that i am invisible.
But getting it from strangers don't really matter, getting it from someone who is really important to you is the thing that makes you feel so glad and satisfied. That you're actually visible to people that you care about.
But i am never that person who would feel glad and satisfied, bcause i have never felt that way in my life.
It's sad when I always try to make you guys feel proud, you always turn them into dissapointments, not only to yourself but also to me. You guys feeling dissapointed of what I do, cause a double impact to myself.
I always try and try, no matter how invisible i am to you guys. I know i was never important, and i never will be to you guys. And i know i still haven't deal with the fact that i still am that person that you see as a dissapointment but this is my life, this turn. It does not only involve you guys. This is the most important thing in my life. When i make a choice, it is what i believe in. So why won't you ever believe in me?
You tell me i am not good enough for it, you tell me i am not capable of doing it, you tell me i am not smart enough to handle it, you tell me i am too weak to endure it.
I know you love her more than you love me. No cross that again, i know you loved her and that you never loved me. It's sad to get reminded of that everytime i discuss my life with you guys.
I just wanna say that, i have tried to understand the possibilities of why you guys don't believe in me. I have tried to think about why you will never support me. And trust me, as much as it hurts me. I will try to prove to you guys that I am more stronger than you think i am. I am more capable of doing more than what you think i can do.
Even if i fail for it, and even if you guys are proud to be right abt my failure. That will not stop me from doing what I love. I believe in myself and I believe in Allah. I know whichever path i am destined to go to, i will end up there. For whatever that happens, for whatever that tortures me, for whatever that makes me happy, i know there is always a reason behind it. I don't only question why bad things happen to me, but i also question on why the good things are happening to me. I know everything leads me to a path where only god knows i belong in.
I do not envy others for achieving more than I do, bcause this is their time. God is fair and god will give me the good things later too. The problem is now, It's not about not achieving it but it is about the people you love not trusting you.
I will achieve what i am destined to achieve. But i will do this for myself and i am not doing this for you guys. Always know that. Thank you for making me stronger and thank you for making me work hard for it. You might give me a lot of tuisyens, classes, money, food and clothes. But i dont need that, bcause the only thing i need is your emotional support and since i know i will never get that from you guys. Trust me, you will never get that from me either.
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