Pushed down again

I didn't go to school today. I think i've been so exhausted these few days that I collapsed last night really early and when i woke up, I was wheezing and I couldn't even lift my head up. And this is just the early of the year, with all the tuisyen, ngaji, school, koko, homework, i felt weak. I don't even have time to study, you know like revise the form 4 topics. And my Intervention is coming soon. There's no form 5's topics, only form 4 for most of the subjects. If this is how my time is for the whole year, i'd guarantee that my spm wont even reach 1 credit.
I don't count homework as studying, homework is when you do research on the deep details of a topic or to just clarify your understanding for that topic. It's wasting my time especially when Im the type that cannot really concentrate on school. I do better when I study by myself, I mean if i have questions i'll ask but the infos that i read about go into my head better when I teach myself. Since I always talk to myself when i study. A lot of people do that too. Im just saying im not a school person, maybe i shuld go for home school :/
Altho, i couldn't meet my friends later on.
Anyways, I know since I didn't go to school today, i could be able to do my homework, catch up with my studying and all. I will, no worries. The headache just went away a few minutes ago. See how long I had it.

Another thing is, if you refer on my previous post about "jumping over obstacles", It's me being motivated to not let anyone push me down again and actually stand up straight facing it right?
Well, look at this title. "pushed down again". I feel pushed down again. Since "they" did not want to support me for the course that i wnted to take which was actuarial science. I felt like maybe they were right, and maybe it is okay to find something else as a back up. And now, I did. Which is business administration specialising in finance, management and international business, Oh yeah and the third option quantity surveyor.
I told "them" about it and they asked me if i was sure on why i wanted to do tht. I mean its a common question asked but I could actually see their faith level towards me was "0.00000001 %" through their voice tone.
So i said yeah im sure on why i wanna choose it. I mean it's math, it's something that i would love to do.
Im a math person, okay no erase that, im an add math person. I tend to score add math higher than math :/
Not to be boastful, just stating a sad fact. They even asked me on why i didn't wanna go on with actuarial science, and i said that if i couldn't get straight A's for my spm, i wouldnt take actuarial science because it's really hard and im afraid i'll do it halfway and fail. I know you would do your best if you love something, I tend to have fallen in love with it since early of this year and well sadly, "they" have brought my faith and love down for it. So i guess since i thought "THEY" were being realistic on it. I would be realistic too.
So i found myself a back up. And they said to me that, if i loved it, why would i have a back up?
And trust me, when i heard that question, i thought it was a 10 oh no 5 year old kid asking me that question.
And trust me they are 8 times older than that age. Wow, how shocking. I guess it is true when you grow older, the more you act like a kid. It's like a reverse graph. So i told them no, "her" that i thought they asked me to find something else that is more "suitable" for me and that they did not trust me for what i have chosen. Although, i didn't make a back up or another option just to satisfy them. I found another option as a back up so that I won't actually ruin my life thinking how stupid i am to actually try actuarial science when i am not that intelligent and to actually have a back up if i fail on life. People fall, people fail. No matter how hard you wish for something to work out for you, unpredictable things would still happen to you.
So when i say that i have found a back up, it just so means that i am being realistic and readily prepared for my life. Not losing faith in myself.

And even still, after i had another option, you dint even have faith in me for the other options that i might choose.
You talk to me like all of my options are not even suitable to me. And you keep pushing me to go into public universities where the rankings are alrdy down related to their education. I know the costs is reasonable and affordable. But that should not be the only perspect that you should be looking at. I want a good education too. For god sake, my sister is doing american degree program at help for psychology! and what i end up doing quantity surveyor or business in those public colleges where the rates are down?
Quantity surveyor are mostly offered at private colleges and because they are mastered for it. They cooperate with a lot of foreign universities. And not because of that, it's because i am sure i would love the environment there more than i'd love the environment at the public ones.
Yes public colleges are also good, are also experienced. But maybe it isnt for me. Dont you think that if you're forcing me to go into a public one, its me going through all the schedules of classes and activities and not you?
Torture me all you want but torturing me into something that really involves my life in majority percentage is something that i am not going to allow you guys to do.
And trust me, i am also thinking about the money. I will work hard for my spm and get as many A's as i can. I promise. (to myself), i dont need to make a promise to you guys for that.
You guys don't support anything that i do. Never. Since i was a child.

And to compare when my sister was my age, when she showed you all those brochures she gained for her course from edu fair, or from career week. You guys were smilling and telling her what a great job she did to actually work hard to pursue in it. And i never did get a smile or a good. I just got questions on why I think i even deserve on doing it. But dont worry, i'll just be some maid at people's houses or some nanny when i grow up if you really think that im gonna fail on all of that. Thats going to make you happy right? Thats what you think i deserve to do right?