I don't i don't know

im so tired of feeling content, well then, that's not really feeling content anymore isn't it?

A sick friend

To Noor Ashiqin, i know you're feeling both depressed and sick. Im sorry i can't be your private nurse there, if you lived only a few metres away from my house, i would just walk to your house and accompany you :D

And im sorry for making you laugh a lot when you're sick, i never meant to do that. Trust me.

Cross my heart and hope to die :(

Haha, i want YOU to know that you can call me or talk to me anytime you wnt. Except for when im doing my homework but if its really urgent and you really need me, then just call me on my "cell" HAHA cell respiration, i mean cell phone -.-" and i'll pick it up!

You know you don't need to need me to actually talk to me? You can just call me anytime you want, or if i have the effort to top up, i'll call you :)

You're my bestfriend and i want you to feel better. I know i can't do much to make you feel secure from the situation you are in now. But to let you know that im always here to support you, is the least i could do. Mei Ling loves you! Mei ling is now in china :D Mei ling will send you a postcard okaiiy? Me buy lots of chopstick to poke you later! Mei Ling will clean your toilet later on when Mei Ling comes back to kl! I know me, Mei Ling is a veryy good maid, you miss Mei Ling so much, Mei Ling knows that ! haha.

Mei Ling will kirim you a stripper with a degree in stripping of performing arts okaiy?! :D

This stripper went to Juuuuiiiilllllliiiaarddd :D

Mehehehe, take care :)

Purely happy

Pn. Mugil our english teacher gave us an assignment, she asked us to count or calculate how many hours we sleep, we eat, we study, we think, we u knw do something, and minus them all with 24 hours, but then she said the important thing was to get how many hours or minutes or even seconds that we're actually purely happy.

Then I thought, woww, that's just really hard. I mean to know how long im actually purely happy needs me to think about it. And thinking about how long im actually purely happy is not actually the truthful answer for how long i really am happy. I haven't been really purely happy this year. It's impossible to reach. Being really happy and purely happy are two different things. For me purely happy is not trying to be happy, is not to find a reason that makes me feel that way, is not to "think" about being happy, about analysing the hours or minutes, not really observing myself for it, but to actually FEEL happy. That's a difficult task..

For me, being purely happy is being able to be myself and not have any restrictions for that.

Sometimes you tend to be the person other people wants you to be.

I tend to do that. Honestly speaking, i do.

I am never happy with anything in my life.

Which concludes that i am sometimes ungrateful to be alive.

Which also concludes that i feel guilty for it.

But being happy and being relieved about life is just something hard.

Though, i will try my best to really feel purely happy. For once, in my life.

Pushed down again

I didn't go to school today. I think i've been so exhausted these few days that I collapsed last night really early and when i woke up, I was wheezing and I couldn't even lift my head up. And this is just the early of the year, with all the tuisyen, ngaji, school, koko, homework, i felt weak. I don't even have time to study, you know like revise the form 4 topics. And my Intervention is coming soon. There's no form 5's topics, only form 4 for most of the subjects. If this is how my time is for the whole year, i'd guarantee that my spm wont even reach 1 credit.
I don't count homework as studying, homework is when you do research on the deep details of a topic or to just clarify your understanding for that topic. It's wasting my time especially when Im the type that cannot really concentrate on school. I do better when I study by myself, I mean if i have questions i'll ask but the infos that i read about go into my head better when I teach myself. Since I always talk to myself when i study. A lot of people do that too. Im just saying im not a school person, maybe i shuld go for home school :/
Altho, i couldn't meet my friends later on.
Anyways, I know since I didn't go to school today, i could be able to do my homework, catch up with my studying and all. I will, no worries. The headache just went away a few minutes ago. See how long I had it.

Another thing is, if you refer on my previous post about "jumping over obstacles", It's me being motivated to not let anyone push me down again and actually stand up straight facing it right?
Well, look at this title. "pushed down again". I feel pushed down again. Since "they" did not want to support me for the course that i wnted to take which was actuarial science. I felt like maybe they were right, and maybe it is okay to find something else as a back up. And now, I did. Which is business administration specialising in finance, management and international business, Oh yeah and the third option quantity surveyor.
I told "them" about it and they asked me if i was sure on why i wanted to do tht. I mean its a common question asked but I could actually see their faith level towards me was "0.00000001 %" through their voice tone.
So i said yeah im sure on why i wanna choose it. I mean it's math, it's something that i would love to do.
Im a math person, okay no erase that, im an add math person. I tend to score add math higher than math :/
Not to be boastful, just stating a sad fact. They even asked me on why i didn't wanna go on with actuarial science, and i said that if i couldn't get straight A's for my spm, i wouldnt take actuarial science because it's really hard and im afraid i'll do it halfway and fail. I know you would do your best if you love something, I tend to have fallen in love with it since early of this year and well sadly, "they" have brought my faith and love down for it. So i guess since i thought "THEY" were being realistic on it. I would be realistic too.
So i found myself a back up. And they said to me that, if i loved it, why would i have a back up?
And trust me, when i heard that question, i thought it was a 10 oh no 5 year old kid asking me that question.
And trust me they are 8 times older than that age. Wow, how shocking. I guess it is true when you grow older, the more you act like a kid. It's like a reverse graph. So i told them no, "her" that i thought they asked me to find something else that is more "suitable" for me and that they did not trust me for what i have chosen. Although, i didn't make a back up or another option just to satisfy them. I found another option as a back up so that I won't actually ruin my life thinking how stupid i am to actually try actuarial science when i am not that intelligent and to actually have a back up if i fail on life. People fall, people fail. No matter how hard you wish for something to work out for you, unpredictable things would still happen to you.
So when i say that i have found a back up, it just so means that i am being realistic and readily prepared for my life. Not losing faith in myself.

And even still, after i had another option, you dint even have faith in me for the other options that i might choose.
You talk to me like all of my options are not even suitable to me. And you keep pushing me to go into public universities where the rankings are alrdy down related to their education. I know the costs is reasonable and affordable. But that should not be the only perspect that you should be looking at. I want a good education too. For god sake, my sister is doing american degree program at help for psychology! and what i end up doing quantity surveyor or business in those public colleges where the rates are down?
Quantity surveyor are mostly offered at private colleges and because they are mastered for it. They cooperate with a lot of foreign universities. And not because of that, it's because i am sure i would love the environment there more than i'd love the environment at the public ones.
Yes public colleges are also good, are also experienced. But maybe it isnt for me. Dont you think that if you're forcing me to go into a public one, its me going through all the schedules of classes and activities and not you?
Torture me all you want but torturing me into something that really involves my life in majority percentage is something that i am not going to allow you guys to do.
And trust me, i am also thinking about the money. I will work hard for my spm and get as many A's as i can. I promise. (to myself), i dont need to make a promise to you guys for that.
You guys don't support anything that i do. Never. Since i was a child.

And to compare when my sister was my age, when she showed you all those brochures she gained for her course from edu fair, or from career week. You guys were smilling and telling her what a great job she did to actually work hard to pursue in it. And i never did get a smile or a good. I just got questions on why I think i even deserve on doing it. But dont worry, i'll just be some maid at people's houses or some nanny when i grow up if you really think that im gonna fail on all of that. Thats going to make you happy right? Thats what you think i deserve to do right?

Jumping over obstacles

If they really think i can't do that, im not gonna be dissapointed anymore. I guess im not, i was though. I can have back ups. I mean not everything works, im still doing surveys on life. It seems like when people wnt something, they get something more than that. I hear my teachers, primary and secondary, telling me what they wanted to be when they were my age. They wanted to be more than teachers or educators, but thy ended up being something that they never expected themselves to be. Which was the first theory on life. God has bigger plans for you. Doesn't mean if you don't achieve what you wanted to achieve, you're a hopeless, useless, and a no brainer person. It just so means that the place tht god is bringing you to is either a pathway to something better or it just means that, the place that you arrived at is the thing that will make you happy even if you're not at the start of it.
I remember this dentist, she went to my school, to lecture us abt her pathway to her career, and the first thing she said to us was that she hated it. She didn't want to do it. She was disgusted by it. It was nver her dream but she just took it bcause she thought it was going to be fun. Haha. And Pn. Ros, my bm teacher, i remember she said something about her not wnting to become a teacher and trying to fail an interview. When they asked her abt why she wnted to become a teacher, she said she didn't want to. Ahahah, how cool is that?
Lots of examples and stories. I just wish that whatever is set for me, i'll have a good time doing it, instead of attempting suicide.

The scars and bruises for absence of faith

I feel sad and dissapointed to know that most people are dealing with the same thing. My bestfriend is one of them. You've got a clue for this one, which is faith.

I feel crumbled and crushed when my own family dont trust me in what i want to do. Cross out that want, it is actually love. I know what I love to do, I know what my interests are, I know what makes my hands shake when I feel excited, I know what makes my heart skip a beat when i feel happy. I don't expect you to support in everything that i love to do, im used to it. Im used to not being supported.

Have you ever stared at your surroundings and have a glance at people around you and suddenly look again to have a closer look? The X factor that they have attracts your eye and you feel like checking them out again. Makes you feel curious of how they look like or what they do or how they are. When you don't even know who they are?

Most people get that, most people would be those people who'd be looked at.

But i know, I'll never be that person people would look at for the 2nd time.

I know I am strong enough to handle that fact, not only the fact that i will never be that person but also the fact that i am invisible.

But getting it from strangers don't really matter, getting it from someone who is really important to you is the thing that makes you feel so glad and satisfied. That you're actually visible to people that you care about.

But i am never that person who would feel glad and satisfied, bcause i have never felt that way in my life.

It's sad when I always try to make you guys feel proud, you always turn them into dissapointments, not only to yourself but also to me. You guys feeling dissapointed of what I do, cause a double impact to myself.

I always try and try, no matter how invisible i am to you guys. I know i was never important, and i never will be to you guys. And i know i still haven't deal with the fact that i still am that person that you see as a dissapointment but this is my life, this turn. It does not only involve you guys. This is the most important thing in my life. When i make a choice, it is what i believe in. So why won't you ever believe in me?

You tell me i am not good enough for it, you tell me i am not capable of doing it, you tell me i am not smart enough to handle it, you tell me i am too weak to endure it.

I know you love her more than you love me. No cross that again, i know you loved her and that you never loved me. It's sad to get reminded of that everytime i discuss my life with you guys.

I just wanna say that, i have tried to understand the possibilities of why you guys don't believe in me. I have tried to think about why you will never support me. And trust me, as much as it hurts me. I will try to prove to you guys that I am more stronger than you think i am. I am more capable of doing more than what you think i can do.

Even if i fail for it, and even if you guys are proud to be right abt my failure. That will not stop me from doing what I love. I believe in myself and I believe in Allah. I know whichever path i am destined to go to, i will end up there. For whatever that happens, for whatever that tortures me, for whatever that makes me happy, i know there is always a reason behind it. I don't only question why bad things happen to me, but i also question on why the good things are happening to me. I know everything leads me to a path where only god knows i belong in.

I do not envy others for achieving more than I do, bcause this is their time. God is fair and god will give me the good things later too. The problem is now, It's not about not achieving it but it is about the people you love not trusting you.

I will achieve what i am destined to achieve. But i will do this for myself and i am not doing this for you guys. Always know that. Thank you for making me stronger and thank you for making me work hard for it. You might give me a lot of tuisyens, classes, money, food and clothes. But i dont need that, bcause the only thing i need is your emotional support and since i know i will never get that from you guys. Trust me, you will never get that from me either.

How to piss me off

1. Hide their organizer

2. Call them stupid or dumb

3. Not return something to its proper place after using it. Especially when using something without asking.

4. Ask them for advice and then don't use it

5. Wake them up out of their sleep

6. Talking too damn Loud early in the morning or late at night

7. Try to correct me about something I KNOW I'm right about. Even better: do it with attitude.

8. be annoying, and then ask them how you're being annoying

9. well basically anything.

10. Interupt me while I'm trying to get my point across

I actually took some of it from this virgo website, not tht i believe in it but some of it refers to what im pissed off about too.

I'll always love you

I love you mami, even if you're gone now, you'll always be in my heart. Im srry i wouldnt let mama put ur collar in ur box, i wnted to keep ur collar as a memory. I know you're probably the closest to me and papa. We could either find you in my room or papa's room. But lately before you were sick, you were always sleeping in my room, in the box beside the balcony door, and i would always put a cushion there with ur blanky and ur teddy the red donkey with blue feet. Every morning, you would wake me up by meow-ing and putting ur teddy bear at my foot. I know you're always hyper in the morning. I would get your fake snake and play it with u around the room. You have those cute puss and boots eyes, and you always looked beautiful. You always sleep with me in the evening on my bed.

I don't know what went wrong, your blood was fine, your kidney was fine but you don't have the appetite to eat. The doctor couldnt find a cause to your sickness. Why wont you eat?

You know im never always the strong one, i would tell you my problems everytime i had one.

And yesterday when i saw you lying down in the cage on the blanket. Weak and barely breathing with your eyes open. I was thinking of the worst, and we knew you weren't gonna last long. I couldn't think about the fact that you won't be with me anymore. You looked so different. When i stroke you, i could only feel your bones.

Everyone was crying and i was trying to hold on to my feelings. I was the last one to cry but when i cried, it lasted the longest. I didn't even have the strength to talk. When mama woke me up at 11.45am, she cried in front of me and even woke up hanna, papa, eimaan and ezza. And I knew right away why she was crying. I was the last one to go down because i started crying again. When I looked at you, I knew you felt relieve as the suffering has ended. You weren't just a cat. You were my bestfriend and I love you.

NEWW YEARSS

i cannot say anything, i dont feel anything, sorry. happy new years, 2011 here i come, i guess.