Struggling

I'm struggling. Struggling with myself. I have to stop judging myself. I have to start seeing the bright side. I have to stop being over critical. I have to stop telling myself tht Im fat and ugly. Eventhough I am. It's eating me up. Slowly. and I can't stand it anymore. This is too public for me to tell my problems, but I need to let it out. I need to stop being scared. I need to face my fears. I've got my top therapists, which are my friends but even they can't help me with this. Only I can help myself but I can't seem to do that. Im not comfortable with myself. And I need professional help. I really do. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I can't lie to my friends everyday. I can't lie to myself too. I don't include lying to my family bcause they don't seem to care tht much. I guess they're busy, I don't blame them. They have their own problems and I can't even help them with theirs. I don't need to include them in my problems. Can't believe I cried in class just now. Not trying to attract anyone's sympathy. I just can't believe im that weak. Because that's just not me. But I guess everyone is vulnerable. I don't know what to think about anymore. I just can't do this anymore.

Shakes

SPM is neeeeeeeeeeeearr, and im not rlly ready for it? I mean like hardcore solid rdy for it. Why am I even still online? God knows :/ I hope the light will come and help me wake up. Amin.

Glaaaad

Today I got my modern math paper snd add math paper. I was so scared i was gonna do badly for my modern math and add math bcause I remembered not knowing how to do linear programming for add math and for math, I culdnt do some questions for modern math too. It was a first time tht I felt terrible after doing my paper. And it was weird bcause i hv always liked add math. And today when the teacher entered our class, she gave back our papers. I got an A- minus or my modern math bcause of this careless mistake I did -.-" but there's still an alphabet A there! Hahaha and I did it without any tips or copy of the paper unlike some people who got the chance to do the paper bfr the test, :) got my add math too. Paper 1 was 58/80. Paper 2 was 62/100. And my add math project I got 7.9/10.0 ! So its 58+62 = ans/180 = ans x 90 = ans + project mark = 68. hehe I'm so happy with tht :D Although I only got a B for my add math. But it was a really hard paper, and I thought i was gonna fail it! Which I didn't so I'm alrdy so grateful tht it's a B. And tht I have never gotten a C in my life for add math. A lot of people in my class also got good results! Oh yes and I got my koko CGPA which was I forgot hahaha but I got a B and I was shocked bcause when I was in form 1,2 and 3 I was never active. And I didn't send my koko form when I was form 2. And I still got a B? I'm so grateful with how everything has turned out to be. Alhamdulillah. But I still won't tell my sister abt my results, I know she'll start telling me how badly I did again.

Comparison

I'm so tired of people comparing me with what they do. Telling me that what I'm doing is not good enough, well at least not as good as they are. Today I got my bio paper 1 and paper 3. And also add math paper 1. My paper 1 was 31/50. It is over 50 right? Nways, when I told my eldest sister about it, she told me it was soo bad. I know it's not as good as anyone else. But hey all that matters is tht I'm improving no? I hate biology and the previous test bfr trials, I got really bad marks. And I'm struggling to do my best. I was not happy with my paper 1 but I feel like I'm improving and I'm gonna keep on doing my best. I might hate it but at least I'm trying. I felt really down when she said that It was soo bad. I felt hurt, of course. So I said to her tht I'll go find her trials results. And compare it to mine. I asked her where she put it and she said she forgot where. If I am not mistaken, I have seen her blue file report card. And It wasn't even good either. Actually it was worst than mine. I might be bitchy in saying tht I'm gonna compare my results to hers later but thts just because she has been one to me too. You don't know how painful it is when someone else tells you how bad you are when you have tried your best to strive for it. I can keep motivating myself to not care abt what other people say. But you and I know tht it won't make the pain go away. And I'm a pretty sensitive person, but tht doesn't give her a reason to be bitchy to me. And she's now pursuing herself in psychology? I think that shes not even suitable in that field. Her patients will probably die of depression.

Ants!

Look at my new weird background! colourful ants :D Well, i think it suits me. Because im really weird, and random, and freaky. And still freaky, and hyperactive. And therefore, coloured ants. Tadaaaaaah! :D Aren't they adorable tht you just wanna kill them when theyre crawling over you? :D AHUUUUUUUUUUH.

What's left

Nways, On saturday, I went back to Johor for my aunt's engagement day! There was good food, good company, met with my cousins! I was the photographer for the day but of course I wasn't really good at it, so the pictures were very average :) But it did capture a lot of good memories. And i guess thts wht matters! OH yeaaah and i got another brdy present! From my aunt. When she was doing her make up, i came in the room bcause my sister called me and suddenly she asked me to wait in the room. My aunt suddenly tried to reach this small box from her bag, and it was and orange and black box! I didnt know wht it was, I was too excited. And i saw the wording "KENJI" on top of it, and i dont know wht tht is, HAHAHA. Oh well, so i opened it and inside the box was a pair of earrings. A purple diamond thts wrapped inside a platinum something white gold, idk wht jewelry language she was talking about. Hahaha. I was just tripping when I saw it! So I wore it for the day :D Thank you ucu!

Okay so I havent updated my blog in ages. School has been so hectic, my weekends have been hectic. My migraine is back, my pimples are too. Im too busy to care abt how I look like these past few days. Except for when i went to my aunt's engagement, did a hairdo, and before tht went for mani and pedis! Gonna bring my friends there after spm, insyaAllah if we're are still in malaysia! I hope all of us are, :) Not forever tho, i know. Just maybe until next year march or something :P

Tomorrow is my last paper, physics paper 3. I hope i'll score it, bcause paper 1 was pretty much confusing. paper 2 was more to what you can observe from the diagrams given which was pretty simple, alhamdulillah. And im so grateful for hving my caring friends around me. Receiving tons of study notes from Iqbal and Hanis from MCKK and Seri Puteri, Cyberjaya. Thank you for using u guys's money for pos laju! :P

On friday last week, Hanis came to my house. My primaryyyy class captain, and she was the top student :P ECEH. ahaha. Fighting for the spot with Farina ay ay ? :P Missed hving her around! Gain a lot of things when she came here. She shared informations about her career talk there abt the JPA scholarship, MARA, matriculation, PNB, and etc. Didnt know abt most of the infos and now i know :) Alhamdulillah, god bless you Hanis for sharing with me all the information you know. Hope you're gonna be a good neurosurgeon at Ireland someday :) And I know tht yr very determined to make it happen, you're the most humble person i know. And I think thts wht makes you different :) But don't bring yourself down too low because i believe in you and i know you can achieve great things in life, look where you are now :) Thank you for the BOOKS AND NOTES! how can u give me everything thts too precious? And I still cant believe u asked ur teacher to post exam papers to me. Haiyer. And for wnting to recommend me to Bursa Saham! Its okay if it doesnt works out, you're still my friend :) I'll tell my dad's cousin whos a neurosurgeon abt u too! The 3rd best neurosurgeon in the world, something im rlly proud of :') Okay didnt mean to brag, hehe

Okayyy, so Im pretty much determined to have a stress free day after trials. Just one dayy, one outing, some good tea, good food, good company, good laugh, and then im gonna struggle really really hard for my studies. Just one month left. October. I really hope im gonna do well for my exams. I have to really plant this determination in myself. So tht i wont easily give up. This is my last chance to show people what im capable of, to show them tht i can make my parents proud too. To show them tht im not some lazy person not hving any directions in life. I think I have struggled enugh, with confidence. I have never believed in myself. Which caused me to have this disorder that I never wanted. I want to fight this thing. I need to. i need to believe in myself, again. No matter what.

Betray

I can't believe i've been so blind. I can't believe i even trusted you. How can you betray me like this? From what I have learnt, you have not even a tiny bit of dignity. Not even one. Not even 1/2, not even a quarter. Don't you feel ashamed? Or embarassed? By the fact that the happiness that has entered your life, was through me? You have discovered a whole new level and medium of life, BECAUSE OF ME! Most of the thing tht has happened to you WAS BECAUSE I INTRODUCED YOU TO IT?! And for a moment there, you were really happy because you thought that what u have found was something that was truly meant to be yours. You wouldnt've even felt that way if i did not introduce it to you. WHERE IS YOUR PRIDE? WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY?! And yes if yr wondering why im so emotional everytime u do one little thing wrong to me is bcause i happen to care. If you were a stranger to me, i wouldnt've cared so much. But i was forced to get to know you and i regretted that. I wish i had never met you. What you're feeling now, is gonna break your heart later. Bcause im never giving you my blessing. And you may laugh at this, u would think tht this wouldnt even effect you. But you just wait and see. Wait till yr heartbroken, wait till you're dissapointed, till you feel lonely, till you feel like you had nothing left of you. Then you'll remember, that it was because you have betrayed me.

Before this i could always find the chance to forgive you, to open my heart for our friendship. But after this, you can just dream about being in my life. Because you're a worthless piece of shit to me.