Fixing & Losing

Talking about fixing things. I have this habit of listening to people's problems, and finding out the cause and trying to fix it. And trying to make everything better. So tht it would turn out well. And tht there's no misunderstanding and clashes. Especially for the people tht i care about. It makes me feel better to see the people i love and care about be happy. That's how i earn my happiness.

Bcause it actually makes me feel like i've done something in this world. And i feel like im contributing something to the people i love.

And i would always feel bad if it didnt work out. Bcause i feel like i've failed in doing something that i love. I failed making the people i care abt happy.

Yesterday was a day full with lessons.

I learnt about change. I learnt about losing someone. I learnt about making stupid desicions. I learnt about being ignorant. I learnt about helping people you love. I learnt about lending a shoulder for someone to cry on. I learnt about panic-ing. I learnt about losing the person you used to care about so much.

Yesterday i found out that my bestfriend is gone. The person tht i turned to everytime there was something wrong in my life. The person that was there to hear my thoughts, the person tht was there to help me stand up when i fell. The person tht would come to me everytime he needed someone to talk to. The person that could understand my jokes. The person that could calm me down. The person that would just make me laugh everytime i was grumpy. The person tht i backed up. The person tht was supporting me throughout the friendship. I can't believe tht person is gone. I don't know who he is anymore. And i feel like the person's dead.

And i feel so useless, bcause i cannot help D. I cannot help him getting the girl he loves. I cannot make him realise that he is more worthy than that. I cannot help him see the wider view of it. I cannot help him heal himself. I cannot block those bullets for him. And tht i cannot do anything when he tries to hurt himself. I feel so useless bcause my capability of helping him has a limit. I care about him so much. He's my bestfriend and all i can do is talk to him about it and make him feel better.