Reasons

Sometimes it hurts to know that what you've been wishing for all along is finally coming true. Now i know the reason why i feel so empty, it's because i wished i was. I wished that i didn't have any complications in my life. I wished that nothing bad would happen to me. Not that everything went perfectly well, but i wished that i never wanna fall in love again. I wish that everytime a relationship ends. I act like it's the end of the world.
There's a saying "if you're still friends with ur ex, its either you still love them or u never loved them". Look at me, im not even friends with one of my ex. Not even one. When i end the relationship, i end the whole bond of connecting with each other. I feel like im a different person now, with a different environment of course.
I don't know why easily get cranky. Maybe i get cranky because its the person's fault or maybe i get cranky because its my own temper. I know im hot tempered, but doesnt mean that everytime i get mad about something, its because that i couldnt control it. I don't blame myself for everything. That's the only thing tht makes me sane.
I know i have a good life. But i've always had problems with people IN my life. They were never right, i kept changing them, like i changed my clothes. I changed them because they changed. Is it an acceptable reason? For me to walk away from change? They were different, i was different. We didn't click anymore. Different connections. Well, the same thing is happening now. I don't feel like i click with the people around me. Even with my bestfriends sometime. I know it's not like im supposed to have that perfect moment with them everytime. But most of the time, the click wasn't there. I don't know why, i don't know what went wrong. Everywhere i turn, theres always something wrong. I wasn't the person i used to be. And i know that they weren't the only ones changing. I was too. I wish i had my old life back. I wish i had my old friends back. Maybe some, i miss them. I miss how i can't tell them anything. I miss how i can just say something without someone fixing my facts and statements. I miss how they don't judge things, i miss how we can talk about the good things more than the bad things people do. I miss how i don't have to hear them judging other people everytime someone does something wrong. I miss how naive a person can be. I miss having a friend with no bad intentions at all, i had that friend, and i lost her. When i was friends with her, we only talked about the good things in life, and there were no girl fights, no bitch talking, no debating with each other, we only stated a fact, supported each other with it. There were no, "eyhh nolaaa, nie nie tak tu laa.... and mana adee, nooo laa, they nie laa..." Sometimes it bugs me that people keep fixing and fixing on what i say. I have my own point of view, and if it doesn't match urs, then bug off. Stop fixing me. I don't need to be fixed, you do. Even if im not perfect, i don't like to be fixed. I don't wanna be perfect. You have fix yourself to know that nobody needs to be fixed.
Eventhough i look happy, but i am feeling far far away different than that. But what made me stay and not do something about it is because i know im living in the present and that's how i have to live my life. To live in the present. Not the past, not the future. And no matter how much i wish i had my old friends, i love my friends now more than they could imagine. More than even i could imagine.



This song makes me think.