Messy

It's all so messy now, everything that i planned everything that i expected. It's all just a blur image. A lot of things have changed. And i had that feeling it was going to anyways. So it isn't tht much of a surprise.
I forgot how it feels to really feel hurt, you know. To cry. To actually feel that gloomy. To think about something for hours and hours and think about why it made me feel so hurt. To be tired and exhausted of the messy things.
Im crying bcause of my nature. I know i could really be heartless sometimes but i can't accept people that are fake, shallow, and many more in my life. I don't know how to put this, but i actually care about those fake, shallow people. Some of them anyways. I can't believe that i actually do u know. I havent been tht much of a soft hearted person, i push people everytime they come close to me. I push them if they ever made any slightest mistake. I just push them and i usually feel nothing about it. No consequences, no losing anything precious.
But i guess tht made me a little bit heartless and that heart coated with heartless feeling just can't stand the pressure anymore. I don't know what to do. I can't just go back and pretend like nothing happened.
I can't just live a lie. I know you can but i can't. Though, losing you in my life seems like a better option for me.
But would tht option make me a good person or a bad person? I would like to be a better person but losing you in my life would just coat my heart more with those heartless icing. But still hving you in my life would also make me a bad person bcause im easily affected when someone acts like a bitch, i tend to keep it rlly deeply and i would feel rlly hurt and tht ends up making me a bad person bcause of tht hatred. So it's not exactly a better option to keep you in my life.
Im just confused bcause i've been choosing the first option, which was to lose a lot of people that really made me have tht heartless feeling. But they were important people to me. So for me, it is either losing them and be heartbroken abt it but is not affected by hatred or still hving them in my life and have hatred in my heart, but will feel like i picked the right choice in keeping the othr person's heart safe.
Im torn. I really am.