Struggling

I'm struggling. Struggling with myself. I have to stop judging myself. I have to start seeing the bright side. I have to stop being over critical. I have to stop telling myself tht Im fat and ugly. Eventhough I am. It's eating me up. Slowly. and I can't stand it anymore. This is too public for me to tell my problems, but I need to let it out. I need to stop being scared. I need to face my fears. I've got my top therapists, which are my friends but even they can't help me with this. Only I can help myself but I can't seem to do that. Im not comfortable with myself. And I need professional help. I really do. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I can't lie to my friends everyday. I can't lie to myself too. I don't include lying to my family bcause they don't seem to care tht much. I guess they're busy, I don't blame them. They have their own problems and I can't even help them with theirs. I don't need to include them in my problems. Can't believe I cried in class just now. Not trying to attract anyone's sympathy. I just can't believe im that weak. Because that's just not me. But I guess everyone is vulnerable. I don't know what to think about anymore. I just can't do this anymore.

Shakes

SPM is neeeeeeeeeeeearr, and im not rlly ready for it? I mean like hardcore solid rdy for it. Why am I even still online? God knows :/ I hope the light will come and help me wake up. Amin.

Glaaaad

Today I got my modern math paper snd add math paper. I was so scared i was gonna do badly for my modern math and add math bcause I remembered not knowing how to do linear programming for add math and for math, I culdnt do some questions for modern math too. It was a first time tht I felt terrible after doing my paper. And it was weird bcause i hv always liked add math. And today when the teacher entered our class, she gave back our papers. I got an A- minus or my modern math bcause of this careless mistake I did -.-" but there's still an alphabet A there! Hahaha and I did it without any tips or copy of the paper unlike some people who got the chance to do the paper bfr the test, :) got my add math too. Paper 1 was 58/80. Paper 2 was 62/100. And my add math project I got 7.9/10.0 ! So its 58+62 = ans/180 = ans x 90 = ans + project mark = 68. hehe I'm so happy with tht :D Although I only got a B for my add math. But it was a really hard paper, and I thought i was gonna fail it! Which I didn't so I'm alrdy so grateful tht it's a B. And tht I have never gotten a C in my life for add math. A lot of people in my class also got good results! Oh yes and I got my koko CGPA which was I forgot hahaha but I got a B and I was shocked bcause when I was in form 1,2 and 3 I was never active. And I didn't send my koko form when I was form 2. And I still got a B? I'm so grateful with how everything has turned out to be. Alhamdulillah. But I still won't tell my sister abt my results, I know she'll start telling me how badly I did again.

Comparison

I'm so tired of people comparing me with what they do. Telling me that what I'm doing is not good enough, well at least not as good as they are. Today I got my bio paper 1 and paper 3. And also add math paper 1. My paper 1 was 31/50. It is over 50 right? Nways, when I told my eldest sister about it, she told me it was soo bad. I know it's not as good as anyone else. But hey all that matters is tht I'm improving no? I hate biology and the previous test bfr trials, I got really bad marks. And I'm struggling to do my best. I was not happy with my paper 1 but I feel like I'm improving and I'm gonna keep on doing my best. I might hate it but at least I'm trying. I felt really down when she said that It was soo bad. I felt hurt, of course. So I said to her tht I'll go find her trials results. And compare it to mine. I asked her where she put it and she said she forgot where. If I am not mistaken, I have seen her blue file report card. And It wasn't even good either. Actually it was worst than mine. I might be bitchy in saying tht I'm gonna compare my results to hers later but thts just because she has been one to me too. You don't know how painful it is when someone else tells you how bad you are when you have tried your best to strive for it. I can keep motivating myself to not care abt what other people say. But you and I know tht it won't make the pain go away. And I'm a pretty sensitive person, but tht doesn't give her a reason to be bitchy to me. And she's now pursuing herself in psychology? I think that shes not even suitable in that field. Her patients will probably die of depression.