He now knows how I feel. I feel better after a year? 2 years? lost count. I feel better now that he finally knows it. There's no reason for me to look back anymore. Dissapointed but expected. Feelings can't be forced. It's also involuntary. But im glad we're still friends :)
05 April 2012
Happy for you!
It's my best friend's 2nd anniversary with his girlfriend, & I am so happy for him. For all the things that he went through with his girlfriend, Fie. All the tears, all the happiness. All the crying in the middle of the night to me if something goes wrong. Ooops sorry, just had to say tht. It shows that you love her very much eventhough bfr this I felt like killing her for hurting you. I just realised I had no rights to make the decision for you & I realised how happy you are, with her :) HEHE. You're my brothaa from another mothaa and dadaaa. I knew you since we were 14 years old :P The boy I met at a party, the shy boy with his friend, the boy who played cards but got really sleepy so he went home early. Never thought we'd be bestfriends. Never thought we'd last this long. Look at us now, we're 18 :) And im so happy that you're happy.
And im sorry I had to say this :P
Remember i alwys tried to make u gay. Bcs I wanted a gay best friend so badly? Haha. Found this clip from best friend's wedding movie. Julia Roberts and her gay bestfriend, who did a lot for her. Who was there for her all the time. Who supported her. U WILL ALWYS BE LIKE HIM TO ME hahahahaha :P
And im sorry I had to say this :P
04 April 2012
02 April 2012
Whats wrong?
When you can't identify what's wrong with your life but you feel so empty. It's not like you don't have anything to do or to look forward to. Im in the process of planning my future. Step by step. I keep myself occupied. Wake up in the morning and do this and that, and in the evening i alrdy hv my rest and stuff. By night, now that's the problem. Other than watching tv or surfing the net, i have nothing else to do. And I don't know how to explain this situation but when the sun is out, it seems like happiness is less dense than sorrowness. But when night time comes, all those depressing thoughts, those empty feelings just float. It's not like I dont have anyone to talk to, I have. They're there for me all the time. Im grateful for that one thing but how can you turn to them and say tht something is wrong when u dont even know what's wrong. Or maybe I do know what's wrong , I just don't know if that's the real source of why Im actually feeling empty and depressed. Bcs I overthink things but sometimes i think tht its important to over think things. I mean if you don't do that, then you might regret making the wrong decision. By that time, what you'll be doing is blaming yourself for not thinking hard enough abt what u decided on. And i guess, by then, it's too late.
I don't know what I should do with my future. At first I was certain about it and then when people start doubting my decisions. I start doubting myself. I mean, is it the right thing to do? Is it rlly what I love? Is it rlly my passion? Will it sustain me in the future? The product of it i mean. Will i be content or satisfied with it? Will I have regrets? I know we will all have our downfalls. I'd accept it if i was actually fighting for something tht I believe in. Bcs I can naturally have that determination to actually bring myself up again.
But what if I don't believe in what I do? What if I could alrdy see myself falling and I don't mind falling just cz I know it was alrdy coming? What am I supposed to do next? Stand up and predict another fall? Listen to people laugh and mock me?
I just wanna be sure of what I do. What I decide on. So that when I fall, or when im on the ground, I don't take that time to think again on why I actually do this, or why I even need to get back up again. But I know there's no guarantee in life. It's just that, I can't live with doubts. I really cant. It's like someone telling you there's going to be a few ninjas attacking you but you just don't know when and where. You have doubts on whether your preparation is ever enough and if you are keeping your guard up at the appropriate time.
So what is really wrong now?
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